What are my intentions? What are my motives? What is the why behind my what? What propels me? What gets me going? What initiates my actions?
Recently these questions have lingered in my heart and it almost makes me feel sick when I realise that they are not the responses I want to hear. I search deep in my heart and I see a version of me that I don’t like. It seems there’s a lot of focus of self still going on within me, hence the reason why I easily get offended or so stuck in my feelings I fail to realise what is going on around me. Recently there has been a lot of changes but one that sticks out from the rest is that my brother no longer lives with us.
He still has his room His clothes are still there His bed is still in the same state as he left- like he just rocked up out of bed and left in rush
But why am I so indifferent about it? I say I want my generation to be revived I say I want my generation to know God and come into a personal relationship with Him I say I have a heart for my generation and my desire is that their souls are saved from darkness and into the Marvellous Light But isn’t my brother one of these souls? But can he see the Light I carry on my inside? But can he see the God in me? Or am I one person at home and a different person outside? How can I be so in love with God that I can’t see but my brother I can see there seems to only be indifference?
Then do I truly love God? Do I truly know Who Love is? Recently I’ve been praying for God to search my heart thoroughly and know my thoughts and desires and expose every way in me that is not of Him but then why have I not been paying attention to what He has been showing me?
This walk is not an easy one but everyday we have a choice to make. Are we going to actually decide to do what God is asking us to do and say yes to Him every living moment of our lives or are we going to continue living in the illusion that because we said yes to Him at the altar in church that one day it’s enough to last us for a lifetime....